Torment AND Joy. I choose Joy.

I started the blog by saying, "we'll explore how families can be sources of both joy and torment and slowly but surely discover together if the joy they bring outweighs the torment and whether or not we want them by our sides in the 'rain and snow and ice....' because from what I hear it gets mighty cold here in the Burg". I quickly learned that it does get cold here in MIGHTY MIGHTY cold here Rexburg. I mean.....is -16 even a temperature??? But, luckily it is always 75 degrees in my apartment. Anyway.....As I have mentioned several times throughout this blog Family IS hard subject. Raising children is hard. Talking to children about sex is hard. Communicating effectively is hard. Dealing with crises within our families is hard. And dealing with and changing our role within our families is hard. So, what can we do about it? Do we just give up on our families? Do we just believe the statistic that is always thrown at us that 50% of all marriages end in divorce and think that it's okay? Do we look at first marriages as test runs rather than everlasting? And do we think that divorce, simply never getting married, or cutting ourselves off from our families will make things easier? Or do we commit to sticking it out, relying on the Lord, loving with all of our hearts, and working hard in order to have happy, well adjusted, strong, eternal families?

Sometimes as I attend and study for my major courses, like Family Relations, it is really hard. It is often therapy for me to study about relationships and families and family systems and figure out where each member of my family member is coming from and how we can learn from and understand one another. I often wonder.....Does my family understand this principal? Do they even care? Are we really working towards an eternal family? When we or when I hear people bicker, complain, and talk badly about one another it hurts. It hurts A LOT and I often wish that Tinkerbell could sprinkle a little pixie dust or Heavenly Father could snap his fingers and we could become an eternal family, but it doesn't work like that. I was tempted just now to write, "unfortunately, it doesn't work like that". But, I have come to learn that it really isn't unfortunate. It is HARD being part of a family, but being part of a family is part of our mission here on earth. Serving as a missionary was by far the best experience of my life, but there were several times that I thought "I am going to die" or "How am I going to make it through this", so if missionary service prepares us for marriage and parenthood, why would those missions be any easier? They won't be. Sometimes I feel like it would be so much easier to be here on my own doing my own thing and then I get a text from my dad that says "Love ya. Love Dad." or I find 50 bright green inspirational sticky notes in my suitcases from my mom or I come home from my mission to nieces who want to be missionaries or I walk 13 miles with my cousin (who is my best friend, confidant, and sister) or I build a fort or play Go Fish with my nieces and nephews. My family, like EVERY family is difficult to deal with and they don't all get along and I HATE it, but it doesn't decrease the love I have for them and it doesn't make me defend each and every one of them any less to each other. So my family has definitely gone through thick and thin, especially the last couple of years. But there is one fact that won't change -- we are a family. Someday when we reach those pearly gates we will be asked, "Where are the rest of them? Where is your family?" What are you going to say? Are you going to say that you got in too many arguments, so you just got a divorce? Are you going to say that you couldn't see eye to eye with your siblings, so you just stopped trying? Are you going to say that you got distracted by the world and forgot that family is CENTRAL to God's plan? And what response will you get in return.

I MAKE a lot of mistakes. I sin every day. I am still trying to get this "being an adult" thing figured out and I certainly know very little about most things. But, I know that Heavenly Father is our father and he loves us. I know that as difficult as families may be and as much as they may torment us, families are central to His plan of happiness and our eternal happiness. And I know that JOY IS FOUND AS WE SET ASIDE OUR DIFFERENCES AND BECOME ONE-- one family unit with one heart, one mind, and one purpose. Readers and I know there aren't very many of you, remember this. If your family isn't perfect (and we all know it isn't) Stop what you are doing right now and kneel down. Pray to our Heavenly Father and ask him for forgiveness. Ask him to forgive you for your shortcomings and plead with him to show you how you can be a better sister to your siblings, a better partner to your spouse, a better child to your parents, a better parent to your children. If you desire to change and have an eternal family, ask him how and ACT. Let your guards down and mend fences. It is nearly impossible to not find good in someone. As a Christmas gift to our Savior,  find the good in each member of your family that you struggle with. These things are simple, but are so worth it. It is through simple fixes like these that we avoid the heartache that comes from divorce and the devastation that comes from familial quarrels. Commit to loving your family and not just putting up with them. Building eternal families isn't natural, it's divine. Find Joy in the unnatural and  divine and remember that old Mormon saying, "Family.....isn't it about time?"

So, in case you didn't get it from this long drawn out conclusion. Families do torment us, but the torment can be worked through and the joy that comes after is so much sweeter. Families bring torment and joy, but I choose to joy. Families bring JOY and that is what I am going to focus on.  To my family: I LOVE YOU AND THAT WILL NEVER CHANGE.

Become A Parent, Start a Trend

Just as with clothes and pop culture their are current parenting as well. Some couples choose not to become parents, some delay having children through different forms of birth control, many have fewer children,  some parents are less involved in their children's lives, parenting is often denigrated, and many modern parents disregard their children's needs.  While we know that the world's view of parenting is ever changing and in most countries has become an option rather than a priority, the prophets teach  us differently.  President Harold B. Lee said, "the most important of the Lord's work that you will ever do will be the work you do within the walls of your own home.....the MOST important work is within the walls of your home." Becoming parents is a commandment and like all of our Heavenly Father's will come with challenges as we live it, but the joy that we receive as a result will surpass any challenges. Reset the right trend. Have children. Don't delay having children and have as many as the Lord directs you to have. Be there for your children. As a wise father says in this video, "He has this wonderful plan and as we faithfully follow that plan, he will help us." We will receive great blessings as we raise children and we will begin to understand who our Heavenly Father is and how much he loves us.

What a Father Should Be

 (The above pic was taken right before I ascended the elevator at the airport heading for the MTC. He turned away because he was trying to hold back his tears. Man! I love my daddy!)

 

 

I don't know what it's like to be a father or love as a father would. I don't know what it's like to watch children grow, change, struggle, serve a mission, or go off to college. I don't know what's it's like to carry the great responsibility to provide, preside, and protect; but, I know someone who does.

 

Too often in today's world father's are seen as only sperm donors or the person that provides financial support, but fatherhood is so much more. Fatherhood (and motherhood as well) helps the natural man become more like our Heavenly Father. Our Heavenly Father is gentle and kind, is wise, is merciful, lifts us up when we are down, and puts His children above all His other creations. Fortunately I am lucky enough to have a father, who like our Heavenly Father has those qualities. I don't know what it's like to be a father, nor will I ever. But, I know that I want my children to have a father who loves them and shows his love for them by bringing home homerun pies, waking them up early on Saturday mornings for breakfast dates, teaching them charity by taking them to ward service projects and the Bishop's Storehouse, teaching them that you're always early for scheduled events and meetings, and crying with them through the happiest and saddest moments. I'm not a father, nor will I ever be; but I know what a father is and should be because Danny White taught me.

 

 

 

We're always communicating, so make it effective

In Saturday's Warrior Jimmy and Pam have their secret hand signal that they started in the preexistence. In  Gilmore Girls, Rory and Lorelei have Copper Boom! The Camden Family has milk and cookies. Each of these families has family a way of communicating that fits their family dynamic and suits the need of a given situation. And what can we learn from these forms of communication that show love and affection, tell another family member to hurry it up, or coerces family members to share secrets is that there are many different types of communication and some are more successful than others if our purpose is to unify and strengthen our families.

We communicate constantly. We communicate not only our words, but with our eyes, our facial expressions, our body language, and each of our actions. We cannot not communicate. It is through communication that we are able to teach and learn.  When we communicate with love and concern we are able to teach and strengthen our friends, family members, and acquaintances. Affective communication requires much listening and discerning the needs of those we love. As we do this and communicate with the spirit trusting relationships are established and fortified and people , especially children know where to turn for guidance and direction.

I love this video clip! It illustrates the importance of effective listening and teaching and speaking in a way that the person or child we are communicating  with can understand. You are always communicating with those around you, so make sure to communicate the good feelings and learn how to effectively communicate the negative ones.

Crises-- Events that push us to change and teach us what really matters

When we hear the word "Crisis" we automatically think of bad things. I think danger, imminent death, not getting a paper turned in by 11:59 pm, and slipping on ice on a Rexburg crosswalk and being flattened by a car driven by a teenager who has never driven in the snow before. But, crises can be good things as well. Crises are situations that force change upon the status quo and cause stress. Crisis situations could also be the birth of a baby, a wedding, or an AMAZING daughter going on or coming home from a mission (yes, I am an RM ;) ). These situations are joyous events but cause families to change their dynamic or living situation. So a crisis can be good or bad. It all depends on how you look at it.

I have been through what I would classify as a few crises in my short 23 and a half years of life, but nothing like what this family has been through can compare to my mini crises. If you want to learn how to deal with a crisis, I am not your best source. We should all look to the Lord for that help and that's what Stephanie Nielson and her family did. She is an inspiration; learn from her. Life is beautiful and crises help us to figure out who we are, where we are going, and what really matters.http://www.deseretnews.com/article/865552762/Stephanie-Nielsons-memor-Heaven-Is-Here-describes-faith-trials.html?pg=all

Mention of the Setimo

As much as I have tried to forget, I know my mom will be reading each and every one of these blog posts and that didn't pose a problem until chapter 7 of the text. I mean who really wants to talk about Sexual Intimacy on the internet, when they know their parents are reading. Okay maybe some 23 year-olds are okay with it, but I am definitely not one to volunteer to discuss sexual intimacy with my parents or anyone for that matter. I probably taught chastity at least 20 times on my mission and that was usually fairly simple, but as a missionary you never discuss in detail the necessity of intimacy within marriage. But since I still feel like I am not qualified to talk about this subject, let's talk about what shouldn't happen. No, I am not going to teach you about the commandment and there won't be mention of the setimo (Portuguese for the 7th). We need to discuss where our youth are getting their information because as we know if it doesn't come from you, they'll get it somewhere.

Let's let Preach My Gospel teach us a little," you are surrounded by people. You pass them on the street, visit them in their homes,

and travel among them. All of them are children of God, your brothers and sisters.

God loves them just as He loves you. Many of these people are searching for purpose in

life. They are concerned for their families. They need the sense of belonging that comes from

the knowledge that they are children of God, members of His eternal family. They want to

feel secure in a world of changing values. They want “peace in this world, and eternal life

in the world to come” (D&C 59:23), but they are “kept from the truth because they know

not where to find it” (D&C 123:12)." Just as missionaries pass hundreds of people daily on the streets, so do your children -- at school, at extra curricular activities, and even at church. Children are constantly hearing and searching out information and like gospel seekers they may not know where to find truth "in a world of changing values". Teach your children about proper and improper intimacy. Teach them to live pure lives, but not to be afraid to be  sexually intimate when the time is proper  after marriage. And most importantly, build a strong relationship with them so they, unlike many people, do know where to seek truth. Sex and intimacy are an important part of life and our purpose here on Earth. Don't mess up your kids view of intimacy by being awkward, avoiding the topic, waiting too long to talk, focusing on sex as a bad thing, or putting fear into their heads about intimacy. Physical, emotional, and spiritual intimacy is a necessary part of life that is unavoidable. I know at the beginning I joked about talking about this in front of my parents, but the fact is that even through the awkward moments that I would love to have skipped over, my parents did talk to me and they did show affection for one another and they did the best they could with such sensitive topic. Be there for your children. Emphasize love and the sacred nature of sex, the importance of preparing for marriage and teach them about the Atonement. Teach them that if they do make mistakes, that they can be overcome through proper repentance and the mercy of our Savior. Sex is important. Talk about it and do it right.
 

"It's not Natural; it's divine."

Something I learned this semester from Brother Williams that I will never forget is when speaking about a certain pattern, relationship, or attitude he would say, "It's not natural....it's divine." Let's talk a little bit about the family and it's divinity......

The Family: A Proclamation To The World says, "The Family is Ordained of God. Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan...... Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ. Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities." Think about that. "The Family is ordained of God". To Ordain is " to destine" or "to confer holy orders upon" (dictionary.com). So, God has said that the family is holy and has been given a great destiny and purpose. And divine is heavenly or celestial (dictionary.com). So the family being holy with a great destiny is meant to be celestial. But as each and everyone of us families bring both that heavenly divine joy and the wrack and torment us with pain and sorrow. It is our duty to overcome those pains of torment and seek out the divinity of the Family. This may often seem beyond our capacity; But, it isn't beyond the Lord's. Dating is difficult. Engagements are crazy difficult. And the transition into marriage, marriage, and parenthood may feel downright painful and impossible to bear. But a wise marriage and family therapist and BYU-I professor once said, "Marriage helps us become much more than human." From what I've seen, marriage isn't for the weak, but the weak get married. So as we begin our marriages we must begin to overcome our weaknesses, become increasingly more Christ-like, discover and love the divinity of marriage and family, and become more than we are.  We must become what we are destined to be in marriage and family life. It is in these divine stages of life that we gain our celestial glory.

The myth behind Julie and Todd

It's definitely not as easy as Julie and Todd make it seem in Saturday's Warrior. As the song goes, "I've seen that smile somewhere before. I've heard your voice somewhere before. It seems we've talked like this before....'Sometime, who can be certain when...'...'But if I knew you then, it's strange, I can't remember.....' ". Trust me. As a little girl, teenager, and young adult I've seen and heard Saturday's Warrior over 100 times (yes, I know that seems insane) and I always thought that one day I would find my prince charming, someone I'd met in the preexistence who I was destined to find. Fortunately (and sometimes unfortunately) in my teen years, I discovered that Saturday's Warrior is not doctrine. Sorry, ladies. But, you most likely didn't meet the man of your dreams in the preexistence; and if you did, you probably will never find him here on Earth. Okay, okay. I really am not a Debbie downer and I do believe in true love and like most girls I LOVE a good Cinderella story, but dating is not what Julie makes it out to be and true love can be created with almost anyone in the world.

We've all dreamt of  finding the "one", but is that really how it works. Is there really only ONE person out there that I am meant to spend eternity with? If that is true, how does that fit into Heavenly Father's merciful plan? It DOESN'T and it is NOT true. In 1976 President Kimball said this about soul mates and marriage, " 'Soul mates' are fiction and an illusion; and while every young man and young woman will seek with all diligence and prayerfulness to find a mate with whom life can be most compatible and beautiful, yet it is certain that almost any good man and any good woman can have happiness and a successful marriage if both are willing to pay the price.There is a never-failing formula which will guarantee to every couple a happy and eternal marriage; but like all formulas, the principal ingredients must not be left out, reduced, or limited. The selection before courting and then the continued courting after the marriage process are equally important, but not more important than the marriage itself, the success of which depends upon the two individuals—not upon one, but upon two." President Kimball continues to explain that the formula for lasting marriages includes: proper and thoughtful selection and an agreement to work toward a successful marriage, great unselfishness, continued courting and affection throughout the marriage, and complete obedience to the commandments. As we study dating and the laws of attraction we learn that we date those who we are physically attracted to, those who live near us, and those with whom we have commonalities.  As we do that and follow President Kimball's counsel I am certain that we won't find the Todd to our Julie, but we will find someone who can complement us and who we can build eternal lives with. Now, isn't that better than someone who can finish our sandwiches.....I mean sentences.

I am a Child of God and.....So Are You

We are all spirit sons and daughters of God, our Heavenly Father, and he loves us. We are each different and special in His eyes, our purposes are different, and He knows us personally and loves us. The Family: A Proclamation To The World teaches us that, "All Human Beings- male and female- are created in the image of our God. Each is a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents, and as such each has a divine nature and destiny. Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity, and purpose." Although there is much argument about this subject in our world today I do believe and know that gender is an eternal and essential characteristic and the no matter our gender each of us is important and has great purpose. I also know that what President Spencer W. Kimball said about gender is true, "We had full equality as his spirit children. We have full equality as recipients of God's perfected love for each of us.... 'Within those great assurances however, our roles and assignments differ. These are eternal differences-- with women being given many tremendous responsibilities of motherhood and sisterhood and men being given the tremendous responsibilities of fatherhood and priesthood'" . We are all inherently different and that's okay. I am a woman, a daughter of God, and he loves me.  My gender is part of who I am and a large part of what makes me who I am and I am happy to embrace it because I know my worth and my purpose and I know above all things that I am a child of God and I know that you are too.